Peaceful Parenting

     How do you describe your job as a parent? Do the tasks include protector and supporter providing food, warmth, and comfort? Do you see yourself as the guide and advisor for your child as she moves from childhood, through adolescents and into  young adulthood? No matter what your child’s age or stage you probaby consider your job to include all of these ideas and more.

     Being a good parent is much more of an art than a science. Do you see your parenting job more as a sculptor or gardener? A sculptor uses creativity and experience as he imagines the end result of his project. Using his artistic skills he molds, carves, and bends toward the creative vision. A gardener uses soil, sunshine, and water to nourish seeds that will grow into the plant’s inner potential. Certainly gardeners imagine what the end result of their labor may be, choosing the plant and flowers to create the beautiful or bountiful garden. But a gardener will not ask a daisy to produce what a tomato plant can, while a sculptor turns marble stone into a great statue.

     A sculptor might turn a chunk of clay into a coffee mug or an oak log into a salad bowl. A skilled gardener will grow the lettuce to fill the salad bowl, or plant a pumpkin seed for a pumpkin. Once harvested, a ten-year old sculptor may carve the pumpkin into a Halloween jack-o-lantern.

     By now the metaphor is becoming clear. A parent as a gardener works with the inner potential of his child, nourishing and supporting her to be whatever her inner potential is. A parent as a sculptor uses external forces to bend her child to match her own expectations. Peaceful Parenting(R) means that it is better to be a parent who follows the path of a gardener and your child’s inner potential rather than a sculptor trying to mold your child to match your demands.

     However, there are times when parent as sculptor is necessary and useful. when you and your family are eating at a fancy restaurant and your baby begins crying with all her might, you are going to try and cajole and convince her to stop crying. This is a sculptor experience. When this same baby begins crying mid-morning while you are home alone, the gardener in you comes out. You pick your baby up, hold her in a loving hug and sing soothingly to her. During times like these you are a patient and willing gardener, able to accept your baby’s process. Her inner feelings guide you both. But at a restaurant, you want to keep your baby from interfering and upsetting you and the other diners. You use your external scultping techniques to mold and bend her, trying to get her to match your expectations.

     As is true with so many Peaceful Parenting (R) practices, the key is being conscious. Are you aware when you are gardening or sculpting? Do your best to spend 90% of your time parenting as a gardener and 10% of  your time parenting as a sculptor. If you  follow this ratio your child will grow, develop, and thrive with his own inner beauty and uniqueness shining through. You will be full of wonder and amazement as you contine to get to know who this developing person is and who she is growing to become.

*The idea of sculptor or gardener comes from Richard Primason, Ph.D. Visit his web site, www.choicepsychology.com to learn more and order his wonderful book, Choice Parenting.

     What do the words Peaceful Parenting bring to your mind? Do you think of calm, quiet harmony? The dictionary defines peaceful as untroubled by conflict, agitation or commotion, devoid of violence and force, quiet and tranquil. But how is this state of mind possible while you are parenting your children?

     Some people believe that in order to attain such a state, parents need to be permissive, giving into every desire or whim of their children. But Peaceful Parenting is not permissive parenting, nor is it lax or laissez-faire parenting. No one needs to be soft, easy or indiffernt in order to be peaceful.

     Other people may believe that parents can remain calm and peaceful as long as they dictate all, demanding that children comply and bend to a parent’s desire and will. Peaceful Parenting is not a strategty that guarentees parents will win at the expense of their chirdren.

     The essence of Peaceful Parenting is helping parents maintain a calm, assertive, clear frame of mind and emotional state of being even when their children are upset, angy or frustrated.

     There are certainly going to be many times in your life with your children when you each want different things, have different expectations and want different outcomes.  This may start when your infant cries for no reason apparent to you but you want him to stop; or when your toddler is no longer interested in eating her lunch when you serve the meal; or when your nine-year old decides she wants to quite the piano lessons she begged for just a few months before; or you teenage son hides his failing language arts term paper from you; or your graduating senior tells you she wants to join the military instead of attending the college where she has earned a full scholarship.

     Do you know how to remain calm, tranquil and untroubled as you work toward a peaceful resolution together?  Is your relationship with your child better after you work through your differences?  Are you resolving your disagreements in ways that shows respect for your child and yourself?  Peaceful Parenting helps you learn how to resolve your differences and disagreements leaving you and your children more satisfied.  As a parent you feel peaceful, calm and assertive even when your children are upset, angry, crying, pleading or shouting.  Eventually your children learn how to work through upsets and disagreements remaining calm and peaceful.  Peaceful Parenting helps improve your family, improve your world.

     What’s the story of your birth? Does your mother complain about your tardiness, saying she knew you were always going to keep her waiting because you were born two weeks past your due date? Or perhaps your parents have told you that you have always pushed them before they were ready, starting with  rushing them to the hospital for your birth, pushing into the world before they were ready. My own mother told me that I always scared her with my death-defying antics that started with me being born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my throat.

     Every birth tells a story, including the story of your own child’s birth. Depending on the family lore of how this story is remembered and shared, your child may discover the positive themes or less than flattering characteristics that his birth story tells. Johanna Corcoran has created a workshop, Your Child’s Birth Story, Remeber It, Share It aimed to help parents discover and cultivate the positive themes to help build a child’s positive self esteem and power within. (www.myfamilytopia.com) A friend who experienced this workshop told me that the basic concept is to take the birth of your child and craft it into a story that can be told to your child about her birth, highlighting her personal resources and building her self esteem. For this mom, the story included her daughter pushing herself from the very beginnning. Now the mother imagines that she can share this information with her daughter who can use this strategy throughout her life. When her daughter listens to herself, determining when she is ready, then puts her all into it, she can achieve what she needs and wants, just as she did for her birth! Crafting the birth story includes finding the positive qualities of the parents as well. These parents utilized their strength of letting their daughter come in her own time, when she was ready. Hopefully all will continue to tell this story so parents and duaghter can continue to use these strengths and strategies which started at the birth.

     As you can see, these are very different, more meaningful, significant and positive stories than the  usual ones people often tell.  Visit www.myfamilytopie.com to learn more about this workshop and other ideas to empower parents to nourish the soul of their family.